Closure

This week has been one that I have been looking forward to with anticipation and great sorrow. I am 39 years old and will never have a biological child. Even though I had the hysterectomy 4 years ago, removing my ovaries on Monday made it official. This whole process started over 27 years ago when I began to get cysts. They were quite painful at times. I was on birth control pills for 12 years to control the pain. Then they found out I. 2004 that I had a blood disorder and needed to come off of them. The pain started back up and I never became pregnant. When Matthew and I started going through infertility treatments, we found out that I had endometriosis. I also found out that I had a second blood disorder. We went through a round of clomid, injection and ultrasounds and did not get pregnant. I had numerous d&cs during this time to clean up the endometriosis. Finally in 2013, I had a uterine ablation. That controlled my pain for about 6 months. Then in April 2014, I had a partial hysterectomy. When they did the culture, they found out I had adenomysosis and that is why I was having so much pain. About a year or so ago, I began to start having severe ovarian pain. I had an ultrasound done and there turned out to be a complex cyst on my right ovary that was larger than a normal ovary. I saw my doctor and we decided that the best course of action was to have them removed. That is where Monday comes in.

I knew that I would not have any biological children after the hysterectomy because of beliefs that my husband holds. But this made it official. I will be so glad that the pain is gone. There is also a part of me that mourns what I will never get to experience. I will never get to feel what it is like to grow a child. I will never feel any of the joys and hardships of pregnancy and delivery. That is the part that really sucks. But I know that God has given me this story to help other women who may be in the same place. I can overcome this mountain. If God is for me, who can be against me.

I have seen the beautiful community that has come around me both online and in person. Please know that I thank God each and everyday for you. Let my story remind you that we all have beautiful children around us that we can be a positive influence for and that you can make it through!

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2 thoughts on “Closure

  1. You know it’s so funny, I was just talking about this with my husband last night at dinner. He asked if I wished we would have started dating sooner and I said no because I would have missed having boyfriends at all because I was so young when we met. He was offended I wanted to date someone else and I tried to explain it’s not about the other people or you, it’s about just experiencing the dating part of life. So, I totally get your sentiments and grief about not experiencing this part of life. And I’m so, so sorry for this loss in your life. I’ll pray the Lord will comfort you in your grief and that He will use all of this for good. -Amy

    Liked by 1 person

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